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[The following is a parody based on a column by Art Buchwald column that
appeared in the May 1, 1973, edition of the Washington Post. In
that column, Buchwald reported that President Richard Nixon had gone to
the mountaintop at Camp David to consult with God about Watergate.]
SUPERINTENDENT VANCE CONSULTSBy Ron Drake, EsquireLast weekend, school Superintendent Paul Vance went to his home in Montgomery County, alone, without entourage or aides. DCPS press secretary Dr. Linda Wharton-Boyd denies it, but it has been reliably reported that the superintendent went to a mountaintop to speak with God. "God, God, why are you doing this to me?" "Doing what, Paul?" "I did everything you told me to do, God. I closed a few schools, I fired a few central administration people, I sidestepped the voucher issue. Surely I deserve a break. Why me, God?" "Don't blame me, Paul. I gave you my blessing to be DCPS superintendent. I didn't tell you to ruin DCPS. Moreover, I tried to warn you that you had sinful people working for you." "When, God?" "Just after you arrived in DC. When I saw the people you brought with you from Montgomery County, I was shocked. We've got a long file on them up here." "Why didn't you tell me, God?" "I tried to, but your senior aides, Seleznow and Erste, wouldn't let me talk to you on the phone. They said they'd give you the message that I had called." "They never told me, God." "That figures. Then I sent you a telegram saying it was urgent that you contact me." "The only telegrams I read are those telling me how great I look on TV." "Finally, Paul, I made one last effort. I showed up at a Superintendent's Conference. After your speech, I came up to you and said there are people working for you who would betray you." "Do you know what happened, Paul? Ray Bryant interrupted our conversation with his incessant talk, and you gave me the number to the Parent Call Center, which told me to dial 411 if I needed information." "I didn't know it was you, God. So may people show up at my Superintendent's Conference. Is that why you're punishing me — because I snubbed you?""I'm not punishing you, Paul. But even I can do just so much. If it were merely a simple case of millions of dollars in credit cards charges, I could probably fix that. But budget deficits, overspending, defiance of court orders, unauthorized employees on the payroll, failing a blind child, the theft of teachers' union funds, sweetheart contracts to your friends, seizing control of the Student Hearing Office, low student test scores, and an unprecedented drop-out rate, the list goes on and on." "But God, nobody's perfect." "I guess that's what the School Board will say when it reviews your contract." "Look, I've got only a few more months in which to go down as the greatest superintendent who ever sleepwalked his way through his time at DCPS, while on a pension from Montgomery County. Give me a break." "You've got to clean house, Paul. Get rid of your incompetent management team. Get rid of everyone who has any connection with the scandals. You must show that when it comes to saving your job, no one is too big to be sacrificed on the altar of expediency." "God, are you asking me for a human sacrifice?" "It would show your good faith, Paul." "All right, I'll do it. Will you take some low and midlevel managers, a credit card supervisor, a tech specialist and two computer guys?" "What kind of sacrifice is that?" "How about Assistant Superintendent Anne Gay and some principals?" "Keep going." "Raymond Bryant?" "That's more like it." "And then, God, if I sacrifice them, will you keep me out of it?" "Paul, I can't do miracles." |
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